Award! Award!

Jesus, the nerve of some people. I was told recently, rather aggressively, I thought, by a certain member of my clerical staff that they should have been nominated for a workplace award. I nearly spat up my coffee all over them in derision. FUCK RIGHT OFF, pal. I hate you. Any time I want work out of you, I have to stand over you to make sure it's done. I have to ask you for everything fifteen times. I am far too patient. And you want an award. How's about I award you with a firm kick up your hole.

If there's anything this person should be given an award for, it would be for the unfettered mediocrity they display in their working day. Consistent mediocrity, no less.

OK, maybe we could make one up for this person. The Golden Clerical Officer. It'll be like the civil service Oscars. On a big plywood stage in front of the Department. With cheesy tinfoil-covered outlines of clerical officers doing what they do every day, processing forms, typing letters, drinking tea etc.

This CO would win in all the categories listed below:
Most spiders in desk
Largest collection of vintage forms
Ponciest voice
Best ability to make co-workers vomit/ scowl/ run away

Yeah, I can see it becoming an annual event. Let's hope there isn't one for EOs.

I would win for:
Most coffee drunk during work hours
Biggest caffeine-induced tirade against nothing in particular
Loudest yawn/ sigh
Most swearwords in one sentence

And the prizes? Just some cheap shitty statues made out of recycled forms.


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