Friday, September 5, 2008

Govstooge's Guide to Being an EO - Part Deux

PMDS Reviews

(For the uninitiated, a description of the PMDS rating system is linked here. You lucky sods.)

PMDS reviews must be conducted roughly six months after the role profile form is agreed (Interim). And again around Christmas (Annual), when you dole out a rating on the scale of 1 to 5. And agree another fucking role profile form for the next year.

To carry out a PMDS review in a professional manner you will need the following:

A Clerical Officer
(you will find these somewhere in the vicinity of your own desk. If they are difficult to catch for a review, wait until they need a day off and bring their leave form to you to be signed off on and then grab them).
A Role Profile Form - Available from your friendly "Human Resources" section.
A Review Form (Varies, depending on whether it is interim or Annual)
A private room - Almost impossible if you are an EO. I find declaring an outbreak of Ebola on the top floor gives me the pick of large, intimidating senior managers' offices. (Tip of the week).
Riot Gear - Depending on the CO you are reviewing, you might want to invest in a perspex shield, a helmet and some Kevlar body armour.

Once you have all of these you are ready to begin.

When you have cornered the CO for the review meeting, make sure you accompany them the whole way to the meeting room. Some of them have a habit of wandering off (Oh look a new printer) or just generally disrespecting your authoritaah by making you wait. I once spent ten minutes standing outside a meeting room looking up and down the corridor and scowling at my watch waiting for one CO to come for review. I eventually had to go back to the section where I found them still at their desk. I had to walk behind the CO all the way to the meeting room with the role profile form (sharpened to a point) to their back. And then some other opportunistic EO stole my room. The fecker.

Conducting the Review
You will both have to yawn and nod through a variety of bollocks and toss such as "key performance indicators" and "critical success factors", and tick a few boxes indicating "satisfactory/ unsatisfactory" on the form. Simple stuff so far.

Then, you will discuss any training and development needs for the future:
CO: I'd like to do an Irish course.
Govstooge: OK, we'll stick it on the form and give it to the folk in HR.
CO: I'd also like to learn to play Spanish classical guitar. And backgammon. And tennis. Can I put those on the form too? Oooh and maybe some Italian lessons too. I'm going to Tuscany for a fortnight next June you know.
Govstooge: Have you tried the local fucking community college?
CO: I thought this place was it? They told me it was the big grey ugly building on the left hand side of the street?
Govstooge: Do you even work here? Sorry, I have so many staff reporting to me I can't remember everyone's name.

Ratings System
This has, since 2006, been integrated to our pay awards. On a scale of 1 to 5 where "3" is completely satisfactory, an employee has to receive a rating of 2 or more to get their annual salary increment. Yes, that's right, if you're fucking up a bit, they still reward you for it. You would have to slam the nearest HEO's head in the door, go "wibble" at a senior manager for two minutes or more and burn all the forms received in the last month in a big pile in the middle of the office while dancing maniacally around it before you would get a rating of 1.

Occasionally you will meet with someone who disagrees with your rating and thinks they should get a higher one. In these cases, as is the procedure, the HEO must intervene if no agreement is reached between you and the CO. In some cases the CO will not want to deal with the HEO as life is too short to put up with the stream of middle management waffle that invariably issues forth during the mediation meeting. So you win. Heh.

Upward Feedback
Once you have given all the feedback to the CO, it's their turn to give some feedback to you. On how they are being managed and all that.

Govstooge: So, do you have any upward feedback?
CO: No, no, none at all.
Govstooge: Oh come on, you must have something to say.
CO: Well, all right. I'd just like to say that you're the best manager I've had in my entire working life. You're always so polite and willing to listen to my problems. And the on-the-job training you give is superb. And you look fantastic in that top. It really shows off your curves.
Govstooge: All right, that's enough, you fucking lezzer. There was no need for the last bit. Jesus.
CO: Just trying to help. Can you take the letter opener away from my eyeball now please?

The meeting ends with both of you signing the form and consigning it to the bowels of the HR department for all eternity.

Six months later you must do it all again.

Blather, dense, repeat.

1 comment:

OneForTheRoad said...

PMDS is the biggest pile of shite I've ever come across in all my years (not) working.