Earlier today, I very nearly submitted a PMDS report on one of my staff that went thusly:
COMMENT ON OVERALL PERFORMANCE
"This employee single handedly destroyed a stack of completed KRAP13 forms simply by farting on them. We then had to resend them and endure countless abusive phone calls from members of the public demanding to know why they had to go to the trouble of signing their names all over again and why the government employs such useless twats."
COMMENT ON IMPROVING PERFORMANCE
"A large cork inserted firmly in this employee's anus should prevent further damages."
Just before I signed off on it, I realised what I'd written, deleted it and wrote something very, very boring instead.
Feck, maybe I should have submitted it. Nobody reads those reports anyway.