Thursday, October 25, 2007

You utter bollox.

http://www.rte.ie/news/2007/1025/politics.html

Bertie getting a pay rise that's quite a bit more than what I earn in a year??
It could have been even more had the review body not discounted it??

Fine Gael calling it "disgusting"? (Yeah, as if they'd turn their noses up at it.)

Jesus, the rest of us have to suffer PMDS with our bosses before we get our rises. And that's every year, not every five years!

For feck's sake, he's only going to lose it, or roll around naked in it. The gobshite doesn't even have a bloody bank account!

How NOT to greet a civil servant....

... "How's the form?"

It can go two ways...

Response 1: *THUMP*

Response 2: "Quite good actually, we've added a few extra bits on personal details, like what flavour croissant people like to eat, what colour their bedroom is, what was their childhood imaginary friend called - actually now THERE's a thing, we are thinking of doing a survey of all the imaginary friends in the country, and combining the resources of the Garda National Immigration Bureau, Social Welfare, the CSO, Revenue and the Department of Health to weed these freeloading scumbags out once and for all. Because they're not paying tax, you see. Oh and what do you think of the colour of the form? I think shit-brown was a very nice colour to go for for the first five years, don't you? The form may as well reflect the confusion and depression people feel when they see it... err.. hello? Where did you go?"

I'm fond of the first option myself.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wouldn't you think...

...that, considering how much time I spend at work surrounded by forms, that I'd actually be able to fill one in for myself if I needed to?

Not a hope. I've attempted three times to fill an application form for a medical card (worth a try) and I keep messing it up.

God, I hate forms.

Monday, October 22, 2007

What's it all about?

I went through an existentialist phase today.

I'm wondering why we put up with traffic, mortgage repayments, dodgy builders, annoying bosses and all the other shit that comes with modern life, only to die at the end of it all.

Now I'm going through an apathy phase.
Ah, fuck it, I'm going down the pub.

Civil servant with very small brain

Oldie, but too good to leave off this page:

Basically, it's about a 44 year old civil servant who has a teeny brain, who has managed to live a normal life.

http://www.techdo.com/man-lives-normal-life-with-tiny-egg-sized-brain/

What's so special about this? I know plenty of people like this. My built-in CAT scanner* says so and the fact that they dribble is empirical evidence.

I notice the article doesn't state what grade he is. I reckon he is at least the equivalent of a Principal Officer.

*warning may be a figment of the author's imagination...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Woohoo!

New study: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/17/nswear117.xml

Swearing is good in the workplace, apparently. It lowers stress, boosts employee morale and increases solidarity among staff.

This is the greatest news of all. Of course, managers must decide whether or not it is appropriate to swear in certain situations. In front of the public or senior management would not be a good idea, for instance.

As a manager, however, I swear quite a bit. This study will enable me to get away with more now. I have printed off the article and stuck it on my wall.

From tomorrow on, the world is my oyster. I am already looking forward to enacting the following scenarios:

1.
Before: I'm sorry, it's not possible for you to have the afternoon off. We need to have this report done by the end of the week.
After: Piss off, you fucking slacker. Get back to your desk before I kick you up the arse.

2.
Before: Did anyone see that form I had a few minutes ago?
After: Where the fuck is my fucking form? You fuckers.

3.
Before: (To HEO) Sorry, boss, I just can't get around to that today.
After: Go and shite. You just want me to do your work so you can keep a eye on that auction on E-bay. Fuck off.

4.
Before: I'm not sure I agree with the Minister's policies.
After: The Minister is a fucking c**t.

5.
Did you just swear at me????

Endless possibilites.

Thump!

That's what I'm going to do to the next person who tells me to "make an executive decision", while giggling hysterically at their cheesy joke.

It's not that fecking funny.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Knob of the week...

Oh, God, as if civil servants needed more bad publicity... this week it emerged that a civil servant in the Department of Social and Family Affairs supplied his criminal brother with confidential data so that he could extort money etc. This gobshite deserves to be prosecuted along with his brother.

Not only that, but it has also emerged, as a consequence, that it is "common practice" among civil servants to check the financial status of people they know.

This gives an image of civil servants as being the electronic equivalents of "curtain twitchers". In last night's Questions and Answers, the phrase "Valley of the Squinting Windows" came up. Would you give your local nosey old biddy behind her nets your confidential financial information? I think not.

I have access to sensitive information. I have seen stuff in files that would make great tabloid headlines. I'm not putting my job at risk by breaching the Official Secrets Act, though. I have to pay for my house somehow. So there will be no leaks here, apart from random rantings about people pooing at work (haven't even had one of those rants in ages) and general office bullshit. That's plenty to be going on with.

People distrust the government enough already as it is. If the remaining trust in the civil service goes, who will fill out the forms? Are we to fill them out ourselves using silly names in order to have something to do? Or will we just go to the canteen and have another nice cup of tea, leaving the forms to gather dust, unloved, in a corner of the office? Or can we stay in bed and call it "teleworking"?

Actually, I quite like the last one. It might save me from being lynched on my way to work.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

My Evil Plans

I don't do mornings. In fact, I absolutely detest the fuckers. Particularly at this time of the year when it's dark and shitty outside. However, I have no option other than to get up early in the mornings because of (a) fairly long commute to work and (b) bloody traffic. Of course, (a) is added to even more if I get stuck in (b). On the rare occasions when I don't leave the house at an ungodly hour, I know I have to face into at least one one-kilometre stretch of road which it will take me twenty minutes or so to traverse. This causes me even more stress and strain than even getting up at 6.30 in the morning does. I find myself cursing everything - including my inability to buy a property closer to work, and I sometimes get this horrible image of myself turning into the Michael Douglas character in that film from a few years back, the one he goes mental in with a baseball bat. "Falling Down", it's bloody excellent. And it's how I feel.

To avoid actually acting on these feelings, and getting into trouble, I decided to find some way of amusing myself on the way to work in the mornings. My new entertainment is excellent fun and simple to do. I call it "Pissing off Jeeps". It's basically a tactical driving game in which I give as little lee-way to jeep drivers on the road as possible, by not letting them join the flow of traffic when entering from a minor road, or to change lanes on a dual carriage way. I score bonus points if they get pissed off and show it, either by honking at me or giving me the fingers (which is a gesture I return, by the way). I lose points if there is evidence that the jeep has been in a field or on a country road (i.e. used properly), so I try to ensure that the ones that I piss off are shiny and driven by either a woman or a man wearing a suit. It's ace.

One of them knows where I work now though...

Still though, mornings are a lot more fun.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Cliche

A few days ago I was heading off on one of my many tea breaks, and as I was making my way to the canteen a sight greeted me that left me shocked and stunned for the day.

It was an employee of the Department (unsure what unit/ section or grade), waiting by the clock staring intently at it. In his hand he held his swipe card, poised, ready to swipe. When the clock went from 15.59 to 16.00, he swiped, and in a split second, he was gone.

For god's sake, man, if you are going to do some clock watching, at least do it in a less obvious manner.

You're giving the rest of us a bad name.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Overtime

There was a big write up in the papers last week about civil servants getting vast amounts of overtime pay. Apparently there was something in the region of fifty million in overtime paid out to these civil servants. Some of them earned even more than the public sector average earnings in overtime alone! (Public sector average earnings are available here, and are in no way an accurate representation of my salary, but then again I blame the fat cat Sec Gens and senior managers for skewing the figures.)

I want to set the record straight. Not once, in all my (admittedly short) career as a civil servant, have I earned overtime pay. Working in the private sector, earning not much above minimum wage, I embraced every "time and a half" hour I could get. Overtime just isn't available in my area, and I feel cheated.

I think these rich colleagues of mine should share the wealth. Guys, if you're reading this and have some to spare once your fridges are replete with champagne and caviar, my address is in the top right-hand corner of the page. Please give generously. The bank owns me.

----------------
Now playing: journey - Don't Stop Believin'
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Management training

I am on a management course this week. So my brain is overloaded at the moment with lots of stuff about Maslow and organisational psychology. Yecch.

Just a taster of what I am suffering right now..

THIS IS MANDATORY TRAINING FOR ALL MANAGEMNENT GRADES AND WILL INCLUDE A TALK by HR ON PERSONAL PROBLEMS OF INDIVIDUAL STAFF WHICH YOU CAN USE TO BLACKMAIL THEM BY TELLING THEM YOU WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE THAT (eg) THEY WET THE BED.

Role of the Line Manager Supervisor (HITLER AS A CASE STUDY)

Module on Leadership (HITLER MODULE 2)

Management Theory (HOW TO TELL PEOPLE TO JUST F***ING DO IT! WHY THE WORLD NEEDS MORE MANAGERS.)

Assertiveness Training (DO IT OR I WILL F***ING KILL YOU!)

Delegation (YOU DO IT FOR ME OR I WILL KILL YOU. I WILL TAKE ALL THE CREDIT. I'M OFF TO THE PUB)

Time Management (YOU'VE GOT 5 MINUTES TO DO THIS OR I WILL KILL YOU.)

Coaching (YOU HAD BETTER DO IT RIGHT OR I WILL KILL YOU).

Motivation Techniques (DO YOU SEE THIS KNIFE? I WILL USE IT ON YOU IF YOU DON'T WORK HARDER)

Staff Management - Monitoring Performance & Disciplinary Issues (I'M F***ING WATCHING YOU!)

Yikes.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Promotion time

No, not for me, worse luck. I could do with a promotion, or maybe just the extra money. I have a giant fucking mortgage. I have to wait until March 1st before I get my next pay rise under benchmarking.

I had to assess one of the COs for promotion to EO today. It involved filling out a stupid form with a list of EO competencies on it (eg managing and developing people) and assessing the CO using them - most of which haven't been displayed. That's not the CO's fault; it's just the nature of their job. When your job is primarily processing a load of boring bloody forms, filing, scratching your arse etc., how the hell can you get a chance to display supervisory competencies?

It's no wonder some clerical staff resent people like me who waltz into the civil service from university or the private sector and are immediately put in charge of people who have been in the job for years. I know I would.

I could have said "excellent" on the form for each of the competency categories, and wrote a load of twaddle about how great this person was at everything, but the form has to be signed off after me by the HEO, who I knew wouldn't accept it like that. Anyway, I wrote that they were fit for promotion nonetheless. Who am I, as a fairly ineffectual EO, to stand in someone else's way of promotion. I don't think I'd measure up to a lot of those competencies myself.

And anyway, the fucker annoys the shite out of me. I might get rid of them this way.