Wednesday, August 1, 2007

A Typical Civil Service Day Part Two

So, following on from the previous posting in this series, I enter my section and await the replacement HEO squad, which takes five minutes, possibly the quickest thing ever to take place in the civil service. The replacement HEO looks identical to the one whose head exploded earlier and leads me to think that all middle to senior managers have clones waiting in the basement.

The HEO leaves me alone for a bit, which allows me to boot up my computer, which whines like every one of the fifteen or so sets of double doors I have had to walk through already this morning. I can check my email, have a quick game of Arse Race and scratch my head while I wonder what to do this morning.

Oh yeah, see what the COs are up to. Or else the HEO will ask for a progress update and I will look like a tit if I don't know. I approach the nearest one, known to all the section for being a bit weird. I intend to have a bit of banter about last night's soccer match, but it dies on my lips as the CO's head rotates slowly away from his monitor and towards me, for what seems like an eternity. When he is facing me full on, his cervical vertebrae do not stop there. Oh, no. His head just keeps on rotating. Until it reaches a full 360 degree revolution. I stand there, speechless. When his neck has gone full circle, it suddenly starts to spin faster, and his eyes light up red. "YOUR MOTHER FILLS FORMS IN HELL", he screams at me. I begin to retreat to the safety of my desk, but I am too late to avoid the green pea soup type substance that erupts from his mouth and spatters all over my top.

After I go and clean myself up, making a mental note never to wear dry clean only tops to work, I return to the section, throw a sick form at the CO with a post-it stuck to it saying "Damien, do you need to go home for the rest of the day?", and duck for cover. No more pea soup is forthcoming.

By now, it is time for tea, and as I exit the section, the HEO pounces with some work he couldn't be bothered to do. I say I need my caffeine fix first and I do, I really fucking do. He can see the caffeine withdrawal in my expression, and backs away, for fear that I, too, might puke green vomit on his shirt. I have to sit alone in the canteen due to the funny smell off my clothes. Fuck. I still take 50 minutes though. And a quick trip to the toilet, to make it up to an hour. Or so I think. The toilets fucking ming of raw anus. That, combined with the malodorous top I am now wearing, make me throw up my entire breakfast all over the toilet, the seat, the wall, the door, the ceiling, basically any surface I could reach with my anti peristaltic trajectory.

"Serves the workplace shitters fucking right", I think, and run out before anyone can see who was responsible.

Back in the section, I glance nervously at the clock. Lunch is in half an hour. I still haven't done any fucking work. Damien is scowling in a corner doing some filing and doesn't acknowledge my note, and I really don't care at this point.

I spend the next 20 minutes getting updates off the remaining clerical officers. Then I go back downstairs where I look at the clock, waiting for the beginning of the lunch period, ready to swipe out and go home for a change of top. This I do, and I drive merrily out of the main gate. "See you in two hours, suckers", I say to no-one in particular.

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