Monday, June 29, 2009

Wah! The scissors is coming!

Tremble with fear!

The report of the Special Group on Public Service Numbers and Expenditure Programmes (or Bord Snip Nua) is to be presented to our interestingly-coiffed Minister for Finance tomorrow.

Expect lightning bolts to come out of the Department of Finance striking random public servants and erasing them from the payroll. Expect poison in the water coolers. Expect much noise from the CPSU. Expect the cheerful face of Turlough O'Sullivan of IBEC grinning as he rubs his hands with glee as yet another axe is taken to public-sector pay. Expect confirmation of the hideous rumours circulating on the news. Possibly two thousand less Gardai on the streets? Never mind, we'll send Turlough et al. into Limerick and watch gurriers and gang members flee as they suck the life out of them, too. Muahhahhahaa. Problem solved.

As far as I know, the report won't be released into the public domain. I'm wondering if any recommendations will be made on TD pay, expenses and numbers. Or will the Brians do some convenient "snipping" of their own, to limit the damage?

Biffo: OK Lenno, let's go over this report.
Lenno: Oops! Butterfingers! Gosh this scissors is sharp.
Biffo: Try not to get blood on it, will you. We don't want the civil service to get suspicious.
Lenno: Sorry, Boss. Anyway, that bit about reducing TD and Ministers' pay by 50% is gone.
Biffo: Good work, Brian. Give yourself a pay rise.

Oh to be a fly on the wall.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Whine, the Bitch and the Wierdrobe

I have run out of cynical things to say about the current glorious weather, and have decided that I must enjoy it from now on... while it lasts -D'oh! There I go again!

The temperatures in Ballyfuck/ Department mean it is no longer possible for me to wear my shirty-type blouses at work / driving to work without melting. And nobody wants to step in a puddle that was once an EO.

So I've had to rummage around in the back of the wardrobe for more suitable stuff.

The criteria are:
1. That it must fit. Given that I've not worn some of these things since we last had sun in 2006, the chances are slim (ha!) to none.
2. It must not be stained. Curry / beer stains undermine my authority as a supervisor and just show me off to be the beer swigging, vindaloo munching person that I really am.
3. It must not reveal my cleavage in any way (i.e. no "pulling" tops. Even though they are perfect in terms of aeration, I still don't want the leery guy from the neighbouring section trying to get a look at my bra while I'm at the printer).
4. It must not be part of my typical weekend going-down-the-pub-for-pints wear: i.e. Father Jack/ Che Guevara/Guinness/ Munster RFC/ GAA are out.

Anyway, I managed to find some stuff that met all these criteria. Yes, even the first one... I am actually more svelte than in 2006, apparently.

Gleefully pulling a respectable, fitted garment over my head this morning I took some time to assess the look in the mirror. My top, though it fitted me, looked far from flattering...

What the hell... WHY DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE EXTRA NIPPLES? I look like a less well endowed cousin of the Triple Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six! (With apologies to Douglas Adams) Oh, wait, it's just the seam on my bra. Umm... that won't do. I don't want to draw Leery Guy's attention. Maybe if I get a top in a different fabric the seam won't show. Err... no, that won't work either. Maybe a different bra... (and so on. )

I finally leave the house satisfied that there are no lumps or bumps where they shouldn't be. Behind me I have left a trail of destruction. It looks like Bannockburn after the battle, except with clothes and differently seamed bras, not bodies and broken, bloody swords. To be tidied up when I get home. I'm late for work as it is.

I find my winter wardrobe far easier to cope with. You can hide everything under those layers.

By the way, this is the first time I've mentioned the word "Nipples" in a blog post. It's downhill from here, I'm afraid...

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Thought for a Sunny Day

Yes, it's warm, and nice, but I could have irrigated the Sahara today with all the moisture dripping from my face.


Monday, June 15, 2009

The Uncivil Unseen PMDS

Ok, now that no-one's going to see my interim review reports this year, I might as well have some fun with them.

Edited highlights as follows:

The Unseen PMDS reports

CO No. 1

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

What can I say? Simply super. If there was such a thing as the Golden Clerical Officer Award, this person would win hands down. A shining example to all COs.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Try not to put so many raisins in the cakes you bake. They give me the squits.

CO No. 2

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Average. Overall organisational skills poor.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

For god’s sake, can’t you just take half an hour out and clean your fucking desk? There is a limit to the number of flies and dead mice we can tolerate in a workplace. How the fuck do you even find anything? How do I even know you’re at work behind all that lot?

CO No. 3

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Adequate. Very pleasant demeanour among colleagues and members of the public alike.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Co-operation with management would be appreciated. Don’t you think the voodoo doll of me under your keyboard is unnecessary? Ouch.

CO No. 4

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Completely useless. If I had my way I would give you your P45, rip your arms off and beat you to death with the wet end and leave your remains to the mercy of the starving feral cats behind the canteen. I have to check up on you more times a day than a middle-aged man with prostatic hypertrophy has to go to the toilet.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Actually doing something would help. Curbing the number of times you phone friends from work and access your Bebo page (how old are you?!?) is a start. Also, not standing around in the corridors with other slackers bitching about your manager is recommended. I will assist you in all of these by ripping the comms cables out of your PC and phone and tying you to the chair with them. Text Color

CO No. 5

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Unsure. Employee is frequently out sick.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

At least TRY to remember what your job is. Having to conduct on the job training, induction and introductions every time you’re in work is tiresome for me and has an impact on my own workload.

CO No. 6

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Good but very tentative about coming forward with problems.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Try not to be so scared of me. I don’t bite. Except on Mondays.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A Constitutional Muse

No, I'm not going to rant on about the political shredding Fianna Fail got in the elections last week. That is old hat I'm afraid. Like the one on Jackie Healy-Rae's head.

However, if anyone wants to support my proposition for an amendment to the constitution to dissolve the Dail (preferably in a large vat of hydrochloric acid) and to put the A-team in charge, then please let me know.

Yes, the A-Team are fictional. But so was the Celtic Tiger. Tiger my hole. It was more like one of the mangy cats that fight and copulate round the back of the Department's canteen.

I availed myself of a leisurely stroll today (hence the constitutional) and spent some time ruminating on the world around me. Things I pondered were:

1. Why do those middle aged ladies windmill their arms while walking really fast? They look stupid.
2. Why do those girls wear their oversized sunglasses on top of their heads? They look really stupid.
3. Why is that guy in the tracksuit warming up for his run by jumping around like an E-head at a music festival? He looks really, really stupid.
4. Why is that office worker walking around with a scowl on her face? She looks... oh, wait, that's me. Must have been an out-of-body experience. I've got to stop doing that.

Anyway, I thought some more about what I can do to fill the void created by my not having to conduct a dozen interim reviews with my clerical staff this summer.

Bugger all, basically. Unless I want to devise the MOTHER OF ALL FORMS that will replace all the bureaucratic strictures forevermore, thereby cutting costs and making me the saviour of the economy and curing world hunger, swine flu and athlete's foot to boot (pun not intended). Meh, I don't think so. I'd have to fill out too many forms to do it.

What I could do, however is attempt to rectify my dwindling post count on this blog. So, I'm hoping to make more frequent posts from now on. Must keep those creative juices flowing for the other projects I work on in my free time.

By the look of things on my stroll today, there are plenty of things to whine on about.

Life is good.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Fun in the sun (or is it?)

I’ve been enjoying the weather for the past few days. I’ve managed to get rid of my usual deathly pallor and actually look healthy now. I’ve even managed to get loads of exercise. Outdoors. Usually I only do that in winter. My pineal gland was getting more sunlight than usual and so not even I could maintain my usual level of cynicism and rancour in order to maintain posting on the blog for the duration of the fine weather.

But – wait a minute! There has to be something for Govstooge to get fucked off about! For a civil servant who has made whingeing and moaning an art form it is inconceivable that the good humour should persist.

And yes, it’s true. I have found something new to mouth off about.

I have written previously about the summer fashions on display in the Department – fucking flip flops, fantastic for the beach but utterly annoying in an open-plan office (rhythmic whacking - making the entire place sound like a S&M festival), not to mention DANGEROUS!

Just to go further afield, I decided earlier in the week to avail myself of some flexible leave and visit my nearest urban centre to purchase some more suitable attire for this weather. I failed miserably. I returned home with €30 worth of books and some fancy naan breads and a new and interesting type of cheese.

Women’s summer fashions in high street shops make me despair. I look round at what other women are wearing and it’s either tight tops that accentuate all the wobbly bits or else it’s big tent-like kaftany things that hide all the wobbly bits yet leave you looking like a marquee. And then there are the ones that have no fabric whatsoever on the back. No thanks. I’m finding it absolutely impossible to find dignified summer wear this year.

I am not a large lady by any means. I’m a size 12 on my bottom half and slightly bigger on top. But I have some wobbly bits. I refuse to have my midriff on display. Anything tight is out, out, out, because I will be adjusting it all day. I wear full-length trousers or skirts, because I look like a knob in shorts with my knobbly knees. Pale, ghostly, knobbly knees. So, I’m stuck with cheap polo shirts from Penney’s, which usually shrink at the first wash. And their current ones have horizontal stripes, which make me look five feet wide. Where are all the bloody plain ones?

My large collection of t-shirts bought on holidays or received as gifts are my only recourse. Some of them are baggy and leave me with a lovely farmer’s tan which stops halfway up my upper arm. These, combined with baggy combat pants, make me look like I’m permanently a student or just back from a music festival. Timeless, yes, but boring. But it’ll have to do.

I needn’t have bothered trying to update my wardrobe. The weather’s to break today or tomorrow. In fact, as I write, the sun has disappeared and returned to its rightful home several hundred miles further south.

Certain dodgy items of clothing will hopefully be put away as the sun fades... I was horrified to see that every second young fella in town was wearing those “bloomers” or Bermuda short-type things. Often with floral patterns. Cool they may be to wear and obviously fashionable, but they are GAY. Especially when coupled with skinny white torsos and legs (or red peeling ones). Jesus, they’re rotten! How can they think they look good in them? Since when have pink floral patterns been in for guys anywhere other than San Francisco?

I did enjoy the sun while it lasted. But I missed my ranting. It’s good to be back.