The Uncivil Unseen PMDS

Ok, now that no-one's going to see my interim review reports this year, I might as well have some fun with them.

Edited highlights as follows:

The Unseen PMDS reports

CO No. 1

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

What can I say? Simply super. If there was such a thing as the Golden Clerical Officer Award, this person would win hands down. A shining example to all COs.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Try not to put so many raisins in the cakes you bake. They give me the squits.

CO No. 2

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Average. Overall organisational skills poor.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

For god’s sake, can’t you just take half an hour out and clean your fucking desk? There is a limit to the number of flies and dead mice we can tolerate in a workplace. How the fuck do you even find anything? How do I even know you’re at work behind all that lot?

CO No. 3

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Adequate. Very pleasant demeanour among colleagues and members of the public alike.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Co-operation with management would be appreciated. Don’t you think the voodoo doll of me under your keyboard is unnecessary? Ouch.

CO No. 4

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Completely useless. If I had my way I would give you your P45, rip your arms off and beat you to death with the wet end and leave your remains to the mercy of the starving feral cats behind the canteen. I have to check up on you more times a day than a middle-aged man with prostatic hypertrophy has to go to the toilet.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Actually doing something would help. Curbing the number of times you phone friends from work and access your Bebo page (how old are you?!?) is a start. Also, not standing around in the corridors with other slackers bitching about your manager is recommended. I will assist you in all of these by ripping the comms cables out of your PC and phone and tying you to the chair with them.

CO No. 5

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Unsure. Employee is frequently out sick.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

At least TRY to remember what your job is. Having to conduct on the job training, induction and introductions every time you’re in work is tiresome for me and has an impact on my own workload.

CO No. 6

Manager’s Comment on Overall Performance

Good but very tentative about coming forward with problems.

What (if any) improvements in performance are needed?

Try not to be so scared of me. I don’t bite. Except on Mondays.