Sunday, September 14, 2008

NEWSFLASH: Junior Minister gets Squits from Dodgy Cake

Today at the Department of Enterprise, Trade and Employment, Minister of State for Trade and Commerce John McGuinness was locked in a pitched battle in his private office toilet with his trousers and a faulty toilet seat.

OBFUSCATION (Wha'?)
The Minister today hit the headlines for calling for job cuts across the civil service, describing it as a system which "destroys ambition, resists change and is now so insulated from reality that information can be withheld from a minister, unfavourable reports are doctored and answers to parliamentary questions that come too close to the bone are masterclasses in dissemination and obfuscation which can deny our TDs the information they need to get to the heart of a matter".

EO
We asked an EO at the Minister's office what they planned to do if their job was cut.
"Dunno really. I might sign on the dole. I like filling out forms. I've been doing it for fifteen years now. I hear it's a growth industry these days. Have to go now, the fairies at the bottom of the garden are calling me. Tra la la."

CAKE
The Minister's sudden bout of gastric problems may - pending more detailed analysis - be attributed to a cake baked for him by his staff as a celebration of his successful speech (which contained the above comments) last Friday.

BUNS
The Minister, speaking to us through the door of his private toilet earlier today said:
"Oooargh! I knew I should have gone to Starbucks for a bun instead of eating that cake. It was like lead. Urrrgh. That HEO can't bake. Has anyone got a match?"

Mmmm... IRONY
The cruel irony of the whole saga is how the Minister's description of the civil service as "featherless but plump state hens" led to his civil service staff laying some really rotten eggs for his celebratory cake.

2 comments:

Serial said...

Somebody should send the Minister a copy of the OECD review of the Irish public sector (as it seems he used his first copy to wipe up his squits)

Govstooge said...

Ah yes, I am a fan of that report. Seems to have gone completely ignored though... 11 month pay freeze! (sob)