Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Letter to the Facilities Management Unit.

Dear Facilities Management,

I realise you have enough to do what with ensuring a steady supply of stationery, that people don't park their cars in the foyer on wet days because they don't want to get their clothes wet, that some of the stranger employees don't use the bins in the ladies' toilets as headgear, but I hope that you will at least give my request a little consideration.

I am at my wits' end. You may have seen me tearing my hair out at my desk as you went about your building inspection. You might even have heard the plaintive whines from all corners, surrounded as I am by several clerical officers:

"Govstooge, can I have tomorrow off?"
"Govstooge, can I have yesterday off?"
"Govstooge, this form's not filled in right. Can you fix it?"
"Govstooge, can you ask the HEO for me about.... (insert anything you like here)?"
"Govstooge, I forgot my password."
"Govstooge, I think I broke Microsoft Excel (this from the HEO)."
"Govstooge, there's a splinter in my desk."
"Why is the sky blue, Govstooge?"

Jesus. How do you expect me to work in these conditions? I have a lot of important EO-stuff to be getting on with.

I am making an official request to have a soundproof perspex shield around my desk. With a sliding window for me to shout at people out of. Preferably with a megaphone. (Please supply this also.) If the window could be spring loaded that would be a big help because anyone attempting to open it could lose a finger and frankly, I need a laugh when I'm on duty. This I feel will increase my productivity as people will stop bothering me and go somewhere else with their silly problems.

If this is not possible, could I have my own office? I know there is a vacancy down the corridor. I believe its former occupant met with a sudden and tragic accident in the vicinity of Ballyfuck recently.

I await your reply in earnest.

Yours sincerely,

Executive Officer
Noise Pollution and Pestilence Section

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