Jesus Christ, I’ve just recovered from some sort of infection in my bronchial tubes. I’ve been wheezing like Darth Vader’s granny for over a week now. The days when I was at work I could no longer launch surprise attacks on clerical officers as my rasping respiration meant my approach was no longer stealthy.
Today, though, I may just as well have not recovered. The day got off to a bad start. And not how the casual reader and weather enthusiast might think. Ok, the roads were dodgy this morning, but I did not at any stage put on an impromptu performance of Govstooge on Ice. Nor did any jeep-driving bastard drive up my hole with headlights on full. Maybe the recession is picking off some of these twats because I’m definitely seeing less of them.
I arrived at work with the same level of enthusiasm as one would expect for a Tuesday (marginally higher than Monday but significantly lower than Friday); and immediately went to get myself a coffee. Most mornings I get a coffee at work because I’m generally out of bed too late to get one before I leave the house.
This is where it all went wrong.
There was no hot water!!
NO FUCKING HOT WATER!
Meaning that I had to face, for the first time EVER, the horror of FORMS, HEOS, Clerical Officers and jamming photocopiers, WITHOUT the aid of my favourite stimulant! Jesus Christ, the world’s a horrible place without caffeine.
I did manage to get some coffee at tea break time, but it was too late. The damage had already been done. The lack of legal, brown, Colombian marching powder in my synapses had plunged me into the deepest depression since the pensions levy. I was barely one step above catatonia on the Glasgow Coma Scale.
Today's exchanges generally went along the lines of:
HEO: Govstooge, going forward we will need a synergistic approach on this whole issue. I'd like you to touch base with your team on where we're at so that we are all singing from the same hymn sheet.
CO: Govstooge, would you mind if I took the afternoon off?
Forget mind-altering drugs, fags, alcohol, licking toads and hallucinogenic chilli peppers. Give me coffee any day. I'm an addict. I keep thinking about where my next cup's coming from. I bring it with me to meetings and training sessions. I've been known to make university lecturers end classes ten minutes early due to their being tempted by the aroma coming from the paper cup I brought with me into the lecture hall. Sometimes I'm so desperate I will even drink Maxwell House, just to keep the caffeine coursing through my bloodstream.
I'm not alone. Even that Lutheran organ master J.S. Bach composed a cantata about addiction to coffee in 1732. Now there's an aurally pleasing precedent!
What I've learnt today: ProPlus, though obviously no substitute for taste, is useful for emergencies such as today's. Failing that, keeping a stash of those coffee sachets that you get in hotel rooms for snorting. "Doing a line" of brown powder on your desk at 8.30 in the morning is a surefire way to put the wind up your colleagues.