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It brought back memories of Father Ted and "My Lovely Horse". What would Dermot Morgan think?
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What your taxes pay me to do
If this should fail, which it might, as change is almost always poorly managed in the civil service, I propose the alternative strategy:
Also what about methane? CH4 is a far more deadly gas than CO2 don’t you think? It being highly flammable and all?
If the methane gases produced on a daily basis by civil servants in the office toilets were to be diverted to an external storage tank, this would heat the building in an eco-friendly and sustainable way. Also people using the toilets after the CH4 has been released would no longer have to suffer the appalling stink. Flame throwers using methane as fuel could also be given to each EO as a motivational tool.
Finally, when considering noxious gases, let me remind readers that the abbreviation for clerical officer is the same as the chemical symbol for a molecule of carbon monoxide. And yes, both can provoke thoughts of asphyxiation.
Forgot the headphones for my iPod thingy today. Damn, damn and blast! I realise this may sound pathetic (like that old joke with the blonde who wore headphones all the time playing a recording “breathe in, breathe out”), but it has had a catastrophic effect on my plans for the day.
You see, I am rather partial to a stiff constitutional in the afternoons. On my lunchbreak, there’s nothing I like more than to go for a stroll in the vicinity of the Department. Especially in this lovely biting cold weather. It has many benefits, among them strengthening the immune system and warding off the ill effects of civil servant arse. Listening to up tempo tunes on the iPod means I tend to walk faster, thereby increasing the benefits even more. Or so I’m told by people in tight vests. I usually return to the office with a healthy glow, which contrasts dramatically with the pallor of everyone else.
Without the iPod, I am no longer insulated against traffic noises. The racket from big fuck-off trucks and those fucking Transit vans assault my eardrums. Not having it with me also removes my isolation from other people. I am not very sociable on my walks and the iPod allows me to adopt a far away expression as I mentally (in my mind, that is, not in a fashion that might be considered mental by a casual onlooker) sing along to my favourites by the Stone Roses and the Smiths. By lunch time I will already have spent four or so hours sitting in close confines with a mixture of normal people and complete and utter knob jockeys, so this walking time is for ME and for me alone. I don’t want to have to listen to other people's inane conversations, their noisy shoes, their sneezing and coughing. If I can’t escape all of that at work, then I’ll avoid it on my own time.
It’s absolutely fucking pathetic I know. It won’t matter in a few years, though. I’ll have used the iPod at such high volumes by then I won’t have a single hair cell left in my inner ear and won’t have to worry ever again about hearing things I don’t want to hear.