Tuesday, March 31, 2009


...For Hitler (from The Producers - the original one!) was all I could find when trawling Limewire for recordings of Nazi marching songs to get me in the mood for bollocking some COs at work. It doesn't set the correct tone somehow I think. (But it is very funny.)

Well, as I gleaned today from a circular, there is going to be a freeze on all recruitment and promotions until the end of 2010. That means I'm stuck as an EO for another two years, roughly (yes, though I might moan about HEOs a lot, I would never refuse a HEO pay packet). So I'd better start taking this EO malarkey a bit more seriously. Especially now that there isn't a ponderous deadline hovering over me and I now have no excuse to keep ignoring my staff.

As a consequence, I've started to notice things aren't quite as they should be.

I have my noisy CO (see the previous post) - a trial all of its own. And shoving a gobstopper in the CO's mouth wouldn't solve anything, it would merely result in incessant slurpy sucky sounds, which turn my stomach. I have requisitioned a large industrial type stapler from supplies, but with the cutbacks, I'm not holding out much hope. Glue may be my only recourse.

I also have my slacker CO. Whose desk is in such a position that I can't creep up behind them to see what's on their computer monitor. Slacker likes to shoot the breeze with Noisy and might also merit glue on occasion. Slacker will do anything but work. If there is a training course on advanced phytomechanics (I don't know if such a discipline exists, but it sounds impressive) Slacker's name will be on the booking sheet. Just to get away from the actual job and all the forms. Slacker will leave the section - ostensibly to go to the toilet, but if I happen to walk down the corridor ten minutes later I will invariably find Slacker deep in conversation with another slacker. A rap on the knuckles is coming, and it's coming fast. I've already been in touch with the local ironmonger's re manufacturing a set of manacles with a chain that I can attach to the desk to ensure the work is done, and above all, that I don't look bad to my own superiors.

Those are the folk who deserve a bollocking. Slightly annoying, and not in line for any sort of dressing down, are the following:

The very very quiet people. People who just get on with what they've been asked to do quietly and without complaint. I love them. They don't cause me any headaches. But sometimes quietness might actually be reticence... for example, in a PMDS meeting:

Govstooge: So, any upward feedback? Be as scathing as you like.
CO: No, I'm happy enough.
Govstooge: That's great, but if something was wrong you'd let me know, right?
CO: Well.... actually... now that you mention it...
Meeting lasts half an hour longer than it's supposed to while the CO outlines their problems.

I still love them though. They make me look good.

And the hypochondriacs.

A CO rings in sick:

CO: Yeah, I'm going to the doctor later. I've got the shits real bad. And there was blood in it. I might have to give a sample to the hospital. I hope it's not anything more serious. I know someone who had bowel cancer you know. And they had a septic toe. Come to think of it, one of my toes is sort of tingling right now. I had athlete's foot last month. God. It stank. I left my sock out of the wash once by accident and when I found it a couple of days later it had three Portobello mushrooms growing on it.
Govstooge: Bleargh!
CO: They went very nice in my risotto... Govstooge? Are you still there?

I really need a new job. But where can I go? Plus, as a civil servant of a few years' standing, I am now totally unemployable elsewhere, and stuck at my current level for the foreseeable future.

I did something terrible in a past life, and this is now the karmic consequence.

Maybe I was Hitler's marching music composer.


galwaywegian said...

It's the perfect bollocking season! Cold wind blowing through the undoubleglazed flats, no prospect of telling any senior to shove anything anywhere for at least a couple of years. Unfortunately I'm not senior to anybody at work (except maybe the cleaner and she has feck all english so she wouldn't understand), but if i was I'd bollock away to my heart's content. look on it as one of the few perks left to you woman!

Govstooge said...

Will do. I will make bollocking an art form. I might even make art out of forms.