Tuesday, May 5, 2009

DepartMental Memo

Department of Squeaky Doors


To: All Lower Level Managers
From: Uber Senior Manager-in-Chief

It has been observed by those of us in the Ivory Tower (i.e. Senior Management floor) that many of you lower level plebs aren't doing your jobs properly, as there have been repeated incidents of extended watercooler chatting among the lower orders. This is detracting from the real work; in a time of recession we must be seen to be doing stuff. What if an external contractor were to come in to dust the forms and saw that and went out into the big bad world and tell their friends what we were up to in our nice civil service building?

So, in order to redress this problem, we are removing all watercoolers from use with immediate effect. There will now only be watercoolers in Senior Management offices dispensing Perrier, Cristal Champagne and liquid MDMA.

Please inform your staff that should they feel the need for liquid refreshment, there is water available on the roof. Or, alternately, they might adopt the practice of drinking their own wee-wee. Apparently there are health benefits to be had from this (Please contact the Employee Assistance Officer for further details). We don't know. We haven't tried it.

You should sell the additional obvious benefit of water conservation in the office to them as well, since they will no longer need to flush toilets. If this becomes a widespread practice, we might close the toilets altogether and this will facilitate new shiny offices for senior management without the need for a costly extension to the building.

Thank you for your co-operation.

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