Shite Talk

At work, rushing to the loo because I've left it almost too late for number ones again.

I crash through the toilet doors and barely notice the two people at the sinks as I lurch towards a stall.

Having successfully completed my business without spilling a drop, I wash my hands and return to the section.

"Ooh Govstooge, you were in a hurry back there," a colleague's voice calls from across the section. "You didn't even stop to talk when I was in the bathrooms."

Now, toilets are for weeing and pooing into (just weeing for me at work). Sinks are for washing hands and the tap with the boiling water coming out of it is handy if I want to strip a layer of skin that I don't need any more.

Workplace bathroom facilities are not places for congregating socially. Not for me. I can't understand why (why, goddamn it!) some folk at work like to stand there and gossip for ages. Especially when someone's just dropped the kids off at the pool and the stench is slowly spreading. Why would you want to stand there and inhale all that?

I treat workplace loos as a necessary evil. Joining in conversations there in the presence of other people's bodily functions is not an option for me.

So I responded to the colleague: "Sorry. I was trying to get in and out without having to breathe. Lunch was half an hour ago and I was afraid what might assault my nostrils as a result when I went in."

It shut my colleague up. Which led me to think that they might be the culprit.