For fuck's sake why does it always happen to me?
I arrived at the Department this morning at 9.55, swiped in and went to the toilet to have a piss before I started the day's work.
Went to my favourite stall, and what was there to greet me?
No, not the resident perv. Nor was it a lost cleaner.
... a neat, perfectly formed turd, clinging to the air with the tenacity of slightly more viscous shit to a blanket. It was the exact opposite of an iceberg; most of it was above the water.
It was this, this nasty chocolate surprise, with its three-inch skidmark down the bowl, that put me in bad humour for the rest of the day.
What to do? Pooing at work is a basic human right, what if I needed to go, but wasn't allowed? The garage nearby has a toilet, but it's not been cleaned since 1988, since then at least 15,000 sweaty truckers' arses have delivered loads there.
As a consequence, I have devised a new entry for the Civil Service Staff Suggestion Scheme.
It is thus:
"All staff should obliged to follow a diet consisting of Guinness, bananas and rye bread. This will benefit the Department in many ways - 1. Shits will be heavier in consistency and will therefore be dispatched from the building if done during work hours. 2. Additional flushing to remove the 'lighter' shits will be eliminated, thereby conserving water. 3. Errr.... "
I have less than three years' service. That award is mine. MINE I TELL YOU!