The Mad Hatter's Bleurgh

I'm a regular reader of Hot Press, and one of the features I enjoy the most while reading on the toilet is the Mad Hatter's Box bit. When reading it, I often imagine the responses I would make to the many questions. So, without further ado, here is Govstooge responding (hey, I'll never make it to the real one).

GOVSTOOGE
(Civil Servant / Bitch)

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Me - I fucking hate parties.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Did you not hear what I just said? Deaf twat.

Favourite Saying?
Fuck this fucking shit!

Favourite Record?
At the moment, I would say Handel's Water Music/ An End has a Start by Editors. But I am a fickle lass, and this may change in the next hour.

Favourite Book?
This is a tough one, as someone with a degree in English I find it hard to narrow it down to just one but I'll list some...
- All dystopian science fiction: i.e. Orwell's 1984, Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale, H.G. Wells etc.
- Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye

Favourite Film?
I love all the zombie films and the spoof ones too. Monty Python's ones are bloody brilliant too.

Favourite Author
John Irving.

Favourite Actor / Actress
Johnny Depp - can't think of any actress I prefer above all others.

Favourite Musician?
Sharon Shannon.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Walking up the corridor at school slagging off a teacher's height and surname. The same teacher was walking right behind me and heard every word. 13 years later I am still cringing. The irony is, I am only about two inches taller than this teacher.

Favourite Food/ Drink / Stimulant
Vegetable Vindaloo/ Beamish / Coffee

TV Programme
Father Ted will always be my favourite. These days I love ER, Desperate Housewives, That Mitchell and Webb Look. Teachers from a few years back was excellent too.

Favourite TV Personality?
Ryan Tubridy... (ha!) err... George Lee's pretty good, I liked his documentary series on China recently.

Favourite Item of Clothing
University sweatshirts / ladies' shirts long enough to cover my wobbly bits.

Most Desirable Date
July the 19th.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Spending two hours making a curry from scratch. Then having a bath as I smell of onions.

If you weren't pursuing your present career what might you have chosen?
Publishing / histopathology/ anarchist

Biggest thrill?
Things exploding.

Biggest disappointment?
Becoming a civil servant because no-one else would have me.

Your concept of heaven?
A pub with a bottomless keg of free Beamish, with a curry house next door.

Your concept of hell?
Being forced to go to a country and western night in a local community hall. NO! It hasn't happened yet!

What would be your dying words?
Jaysus, you're a lot smaller than that fella on the cross.

Greatest Ambition?
To boldly split every infinitive known to man. And to achieve world domination using weapons of mass destruction derived from said split infinitives.

Period of history you'd most like to have lived in and why?
Renaissance Italy, without the plagues thank you very much. So much going on in all artistic fields. To tell Machiavelli his name would become a much misused adjective.

If you weren't a human being what animal would you have chosen to be?
A civil serpent?

If you were told the world was ending tomorrow morning how would you react/ what would you do?
Round up the people I hate, and torture them. It would be my last chance!

Your nominee for the world's best dressed person?
The Emperor from the Emperor's New Clothes.

Favourite term of abuse?
Knobjockey / scutterhole

Biggest Fear
Christmas shopping/ Chavs

Humanity's most useful invention?
Remote controlled fart machine.

Humanity's most useless invention?
Forms.