FK U

Some HEO in another section emailed me today. Not unusual you say. No, it wasn't. Except it was in FUCKING TEXT SPEAK!

If I knew where their section was, I would have gone down there and shoved a mobile phone up their arse.

I am mourning the impending death of the English language. I think I'll read Melvyn Bragg's The Adventure of English again for solace. Followed by the Canterbury Tales. And some Stephen King for dessert.

And I will reply tomorrow:

My esteemed colleague,

Thank you for your electronic epistle. Unfortunately I was unable to ascertain exactly what it was you were trying to say. I think you may have a keyboard malfunction which is omitting vowels and reducing your message to a foul "vernacular" - if we may call it that - beloved of spotty types in Burberry baseball hats.

Please find yourself another keyboard immediately and write it all out again. Fucker.

With warmest regards,

Govstooge.