You Fill up my Census

Last week, I had the fava beans and Chianti on standby for the arrival of my local Census taker when he came to deliver the mother of all forms, the 2011 Census of Population. A bout of indigestion put paid to my hepatic-organ-munching plans and when the nice man from the CSO called around, I accepted the 24 page form meekly.

And what a form!

My first Census as head of household! Ooo the excitement of it all! No more will I have to tick the "Roman Catholic" box under "Religion" in order to pacify my parents. At last: my true calling.


My love of linguistics can also shine through for the benefit of legions of temporary clerical officers sweating over these forms:
Or...





The Census is really important for genealogical research in the future; by filling the form in as follows, I will give future generations a small taste of life as a public sector worker in 2011:



Also, how can you not have a nationality? And, can you make up your own?

Demography, eh?

People are bastards.

Bless me manager, for I have sinned

I had my Interim PMDS review a couple of weeks ago.

In spite of the moods, the flailing about, the swearing, the general scowling that I was demonstrating earlier this year, my HEO is happy with me!

Well, the job is being done, and on time. And that's the bottom line I suppose. And no-one's really been hurt.

So, I'm a pretty decent, if sweary, EO.

Take note, Bord Snip.

I probably have the right temperament to be levied off from my current Department to the Department of Social and Family Affairs. DSFA are conscripting civil servants from all other Departments to help with the backlog.

I'll probably remain under the radar, but I could prove to be a powerful weapon in dealing with some of the more errant and antisocial claimants in the dole office:

CO: Govstooge, that man over there's pissing on the floor!

Govstooge: Pass me my machete. It's sausage time. (Leaps over counter).

Or...

Govstooge: Here, you can't consume alcohol on these premises.

Wino Claimant: Burp! Fuck off!

Govstooge: Make me. Oh look, I've grabbed your wine. And you're too pissed to get up and do something about it. Not to worry, I'll have security help you to the door.

Wino Claimant: Belch! Y'bitch! Gaargh!

Govstooge: Let's see what it is. Ooh, Buckfast. Reminds me of college. Shame it's been in the gob of someone who reeks of wee. But I think there's a drain around the back that needs unblocking. Next time can you bring in some Dutch Gold so we can at least share them? There's a good chap.

Might be fun, now that I think of it.

The Great Paper Chase

Christ, what a week it's been. It's been one long marathon of alternate annual review forms and meetings and drafting new role profile forms for 2009. I have been buried in paper. The paperwork with these things is UNREAL. The clerical officers were grand though, none of them made any additional work for me. Bless them all.

The meetings varied in length from ten minutes to half an hour, depending on how the private audience with the manager was valued by the clerical officer, or how scared they were that the EO might swear at them.

I had to schedule a lot of meetings for early in the morning, a time when I'm not at my best (see OED definition for Uncaffeinated Troglodyte), however several other EOs and HEOs beat me to the meeting rooms for the afternoon slots.

I even had some bastard nick the room which I had legitimately booked at one stage. I didn't protest, because I thought this might happen:

Govstooge: Here, I had this room booked for 3.30!
Other EO: Whoops, sorry Govstooge, but we won't be long. Can you give us half an hour?
Govstooge: For fuck's sake, I go for my COFFEE at four!

So I ended up having to do the review in a quiet-ish corner of the canteen. Over coffee, naturellement. Still not ideal when the canteen staff were dropping things that go CLANG and the HEO with the incredibly evil laugh kept overshadowing the proceedings. And other members of my staff, seated a safe distance away, kept glancing over to look at our facial expressions, to gauge where on the five point scale their colleague was going to come.

Sometimes I think what it must be like for the clerical officers. Most of them are older than me. Some of them even have adult children older than me. And, to make matters worse, I am one of those people who still occasionally gets asked for ID when doing a beer run. Some of them don't give a shite and happily sign the forms. The others think it's all bullshit, but sign the forms anyway, anything to get them out of the way. And I don't even have to bring in a gun.

My own review, now that's a story for another day.

I'm glad it's all over now though. Did I mention I had several other shitty things to be getting on with?

Performance, Underperformance and Unpronounceable Songs

PMDS is making the news a lot in the last couple of weeks. Crazy eh? It's not as if they're short on news stories what with recession, U-turns, more recession, more U-turns and Barack Obama's historic victory in the polls. Well done Mr Obama. Mind you, his opponent did look like this:


I used to do that behind teachers' backs when I was 12! And he's 72!

But back to PMDS in the news...
It was recently revealed in the Sunday Times that almost 100% of all civil servants were awarded increments this year - increments that have been, for the past couple of years, linked to their PMDS ranking; i.e. 2 or more. 18 civil servants, at grade 1, were not awarded the increase.

Grade 2s, remember, are still underperforming to a certain extent. They are not allowed go for promotion for a year. That's the only penalty imposed on them. I imagine many of them don't care about promotions or additional responsibility. And they get the same pay award as me, and others like me, who are working our fucking arses off. It suggests to me that if I take even longer tea breaks, do Sudoku all day at my desk and pull all the uncertified sickies I can, I will be appreciated just the same by the system.

What did those 18 people do (or not do) to score a "1" then? It must have been bloody awful. I can only imagine:

- Setting fire to their desks and toasting marshmallows in the flames
- Calling the Taoiseach a "pie-faced goon" to his face
- Telling management to fuck off
- Phone calls to their sister in Australia lasting all day
- Abseiling past the boardroom window during senior management meetings
- Doing awful Karaoke at the Christmas Do
- Sewing whoopee cushions into the HEO's chair
- Drinking in the office and throwing up on senior officers
- Excessive smelly bodily functions in the vicinity of colleagues
- Humping the EO's leg
- Streaking through the Personnel Department (i.e. without an ID badge on)
- Making origami sculptures with forms

The reality is probably even more disturbing than that.

It calls into serious question the operation of the PMDS across all Departments. Only a couple of years into it, and it's already crying out for reform.

With any luck, they might get rid of it all together, and replace the endless meetings and arguments with something simpler like "RatemyClericalOfficers.com" - etc. Well, if teachers can have it, why can't we?

Oh, and I've recently discovered Sigur Rós. I don't have a notion of what they're singing about - as it's all in Icelandic - but their music transcends the language barriers. They're divine, and I can't stop listening to them. Going to buy even more of their albums when my increment comes in. (Which it will, I'm more than 99% certain.)

----------------
Now playing: Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eyrum Endalaust - 07. Ara Batur
via FoxyTunes

Govstooge's Guide to Being an EO - Part Deux

PMDS Reviews

(For the uninitiated, a description of the PMDS rating system is linked here. You lucky sods.)

PMDS reviews must be conducted roughly six months after the role profile form is agreed (Interim). And again around Christmas (Annual), when you dole out a rating on the scale of 1 to 5. And agree another fucking role profile form for the next year.

To carry out a PMDS review in a professional manner you will need the following:

A Clerical Officer (you will find these somewhere in the vicinity of your own desk. If they are difficult to catch for a review, wait until they need a day off and bring their leave form to you to be signed off on and then grab them).
A Role Profile Form - Available from your friendly "Human Resources" section.
A Review Form (Varies, depending on whether it is interim or Annual)
A private room - Almost impossible if you are an EO. I find declaring an outbreak of Ebola on the top floor gives me the pick of large, intimidating senior managers' offices. (Tip of the week).
Riot Gear - Depending on the CO you are reviewing, you might want to invest in a perspex shield, a helmet and some Kevlar body armour.

Once you have all of these you are ready to begin.

When you have cornered the CO for the review meeting, make sure you accompany them the whole way to the meeting room. Some of them have a habit of wandering off (Oh look a new printer) or just generally disrespecting your authoritaah by making you wait. I once spent ten minutes standing outside a meeting room looking up and down the corridor and scowling at my watch waiting for one CO to come for review. I eventually had to go back to the section where I found them still at their desk. I had to walk behind the CO all the way to the meeting room with the role profile form (sharpened to a point) to their back. And then some other opportunistic EO stole my room. The fecker.

Conducting the Review
You will both have to yawn and nod through a variety of bollocks and toss such as "key performance indicators" and "critical success factors", and tick a few boxes indicating "satisfactory/ unsatisfactory" on the form. Simple stuff so far.

Then, you will discuss any training and development needs for the future:
CO: I'd like to do an Irish course.
Govstooge: OK, we'll stick it on the form and give it to the folk in HR.
CO: I'd also like to learn to play Spanish classical guitar. And backgammon. And tennis. Can I put those on the form too? Oooh and maybe some Italian lessons too. I'm going to Tuscany for a fortnight next June you know.
Govstooge: Have you tried the local fucking community college?
CO: I thought this place was it? They told me it was the big grey ugly building on the left hand side of the street?
Govstooge: Do you even work here? Sorry, I have so many staff reporting to me I can't remember everyone's name.

Ratings System
This has, since 2006, been integrated to our pay awards. On a scale of 1 to 5 where "3" is completely satisfactory, an employee has to receive a rating of 2 or more to get their annual salary increment. Yes, that's right, if you're fucking up a bit, they still reward you for it. You would have to slam the nearest HEO's head in the door, go "wibble" at a senior manager for two minutes or more and burn all the forms received in the last month in a big pile in the middle of the office while dancing maniacally around it before you would get a rating of 1.

Occasionally you will meet with someone who disagrees with your rating and thinks they should get a higher one. In these cases, as is the procedure, the HEO must intervene if no agreement is reached between you and the CO. In some cases the CO will not want to deal with the HEO as life is too short to put up with the stream of middle management waffle that invariably issues forth during the mediation meeting. So you win. Heh.

Upward Feedback
Once you have given all the feedback to the CO, it's their turn to give some feedback to you. On how they are being managed and all that.

Govstooge: So, do you have any upward feedback?
CO: No, no, none at all.
Govstooge: Oh come on, you must have something to say.
CO: Well, all right. I'd just like to say that you're the best manager I've had in my entire working life. You're always so polite and willing to listen to my problems. And the on-the-job training you give is superb. And you look fantastic in that top. It really shows off your curves.
Govstooge: All right, that's enough, you fucking lezzer. There was no need for the last bit. Jesus.
CO: Just trying to help. Can you take the letter opener away from my eyeball now please?

The meeting ends with both of you signing the form and consigning it to the bowels of the HR department for all eternity.

Six months later you must do it all again.

Blather, dense, repeat.

Down time

It's been almost a week since I wrote anything. Fact is, I've been enjoying the weather too much ("sickie", anyone?) and, in the last two or three days when it started pissing again, I've been getting pissed. Mainly to forget about what's coming up in the next couple of weeks.

The interim reviews. Oh, fuck.

The thing is, with all the new minions reporting to me since earlier this year, it's going to take me a whole week to get through these poxy meetings. Not to mention the fact that I inherited a few extra people as a result of another EO leaving.

Some of the meetings might be fun this time around, however, as I might like to get revenge on some of these additional staff for an incident on the other EO's last day, which went something like this:


EO: Well, I'm off. It was lovely working with you all. (Goes to door)
CO: (Stands on desk) O Captain my Captain!
CO 2: (Stands on desk) O Captain my Captain! Please don't leave us!
EO: Err...
CO: Yes, please don't go. Our new EO is a bitch.
CO 2: Yes, she swears at us.
(At this point the HEO intervenes saying that people standing on desks is a breach of health and safety law and he ushers the EO out the door, while simultaneously restraining Govstooge from harming herself and others, as she is now foaming at the mouth and flailing her arms relentlessly. The HEO receives several bite marks to his forearms and has to leave early to go to the doctor.)
CO: Fuck, anyway.


The rest of the interim reviews won't be fun. Especially since I am now medicated to keep all that involuntary movement under control. It's just going to be a lot of sedate form-filling and box-ticking and running around trying to find an office vacated by an AP on a well-timed sickie so I can at least hold the review meetings in private.

Something that occurred to me...

... when I had nothing better to do.

In relation to submitting information to a government body do you:

- Fill "up" a form?
- Fill "out" a form?
- Fill "in" a form?

I know I use all of the above variations. When I have a pint too many and think about this, I feel like my brain is going to explode. And also the brains of those around me who have to listen to my confused ramblings.

Ah fuck it.

Just say "Complete a form". That'll settle it. But it loses the alliterative beauty of the post label below.

Worst day ever...

It was the worst day ever, this first day back at work of 2008.

I was told this morning that the number of staff I supervise is to increase threefold. Well, bollocks anyway. It's going to be in double digits. If this was the private sector, I would get more money, but no, it's the fucking civil service and we have it too good already. My whole working day will be taken up with signing leave forms, doing role profile forms, attending to disciplinary matters, and other associated staff management wank. I won't have any time to look at the internet! Jesus, it's not fucking fair!!

It put me in a bad mood for the day. Not even the fact that I will no longer be supervising the section nutcase could alleviate it.

And the fucking office was freezing all day. What are they trying to do, kill us?

How NOT to greet a civil servant....

... "How's the form?"

It can go two ways...

Response 1: *THUMP*

Response 2: "Quite good actually, we've added a few extra bits on personal details, like what flavour croissant people like to eat, what colour their bedroom is, what was their childhood imaginary friend called - actually now THERE's a thing, we are thinking of doing a survey of all the imaginary friends in the country, and combining the resources of the Garda National Immigration Bureau, Social Welfare, the CSO, Revenue and the Department of Health to weed these freeloading scumbags out once and for all. Because they're not paying tax, you see. Oh and what do you think of the colour of the form? I think shit-brown was a very nice colour to go for for the first five years, don't you? The form may as well reflect the confusion and depression people feel when they see it... err.. hello? Where did you go?"

I'm fond of the first option myself.

Wouldn't you think...

...that, considering how much time I spend at work surrounded by forms, that I'd actually be able to fill one in for myself if I needed to?

Not a hope. I've attempted three times to fill an application form for a medical card (worth a try) and I keep messing it up.

God, I hate forms.

Promotion time

No, not for me, worse luck. I could do with a promotion, or maybe just the extra money. I have a giant fucking mortgage. I have to wait until March 1st before I get my next pay rise under benchmarking.

I had to assess one of the COs for promotion to EO today. It involved filling out a stupid form with a list of EO competencies on it (eg managing and developing people) and assessing the CO using them - most of which haven't been displayed. That's not the CO's fault; it's just the nature of their job. When your job is primarily processing a load of boring bloody forms, filing, scratching your arse etc., how the hell can you get a chance to display supervisory competencies?

It's no wonder some clerical staff resent people like me who waltz into the civil service from university or the private sector and are immediately put in charge of people who have been in the job for years. I know I would.

I could have said "excellent" on the form for each of the competency categories, and wrote a load of twaddle about how great this person was at everything, but the form has to be signed off after me by the HEO, who I knew wouldn't accept it like that. Anyway, I wrote that they were fit for promotion nonetheless. Who am I, as a fairly ineffectual EO, to stand in someone else's way of promotion. I don't think I'd measure up to a lot of those competencies myself.

And anyway, the fucker annoys the shite out of me. I might get rid of them this way.

Anal prob-ation

I had yet another probationary review recently. Apparently I joined the civil service too soon - if I had started around a year ago, my probation would only last a year. For me, it's two years, ending in a few months. So I have to keep my nose clean until then. I just wipe it on forms anyway.

Apparently I'm doing fine, even if certain work practices that I adopt don't really meet with the approval of my boss - but they are effective. The ends justify the means anyway, so fuck off boss.

I dread the day when I have to fill one of these new forms out for one of my staff (at the moment, they're all out of probation, but this may change), it's like a mini PMDS form where the supervisor not only has to give an overall rating on the scale of 1-5 (like the annual review stage), but also on each individual competency. It's several pages long, and has to be signed off on by the jobholder before being submitted to Personnel for filing. In a dusty file that'll only be opened again when the jobholder retires, commits suicide, gets welded to a toilet seat or explodes.

Is it any wonder the civil service is such a slow moving monolith of an organisation, when all this internal stuff gives so many people so much to do. I sometimes wonder if there isn't a toilet paper requisition for when you want to do a poo at work (which, if you have read my previous postings, is a popular activity in my workplace).

I reckon there is an entire division of civil servants in the Department of Civil Service (wherever they are) who spend the day dreaming up new forms to keep themselves and thousands of others in jobs. Form Creation Division, it'll be called. It'll have round-the-clock tea breaks and incubation units for newborn forms. There'll be a Research and Development Unit, where forms will be stress tested, strapped to crash test dummies, set alight, shoved up a HEO's arse and thrown off a tall building. The only assessment that won't be done will be an Environmental Impact study on the number of forms to be binned because they have the wrong contact number or a tiny typo in the small print. This would prove the civil service to be one of the biggest producers of waste in the country.

And I'm not talking about the smell in the toilets.